A Pretty Picture I took and am adding it to my post, 'cause why the fuck not?
I'm listening to a reggae version of the Adele song "Hello". I've never actually heard the Adele version of this song but I understand it is a very popular track. I actually am not sure I could tell you two Adele songs if I was offered a million dollars to do so right now. I recall she did a James Bond song two films ago. That's about it. The reggae track I just heard though was fucking dope. I don't even want to hear the original. I of course love reggae music so admittedly, I'm a sucker for basically anything in its styling.
Well, here I am again. Writing more fucking words. It's Wednesday, the 27th day of January here in the year of 2016. It's 3:48pm, I'm sitting on the couch and my sweet, dear wife has just gone to a therapist, it is her first meeting with a new person. Neither of us have gone to a therapist since we went together maybe a year ago now? I'm happy she's going though, I really am. Having someone outside of your normal group of friends, family, or confidant and what have you is really a healthy way to dump out your shit, so to speak. I could probably benefit from a bit of that, too. It is true that my wife and I are pretty fucking good at just sharing everything we're going through in as close to real time as possible. I think I've got way better at sharing my feelings with her (or anyone for that matter) in these last years and that has been of great benefit to us as individuals and for our relationship as well. We really have quite a great relationship for what it's worth. Our money struggles are real and some of the other dynamics in our relationship could use some work but that will always be the case. We are always learning and growing and even changing some, too. This all leads to shifts in our personal perspective and with that, shifts in our relationships as well.
This morning I went to my daughters school and then, along with 5 or 6 other parents of kids from her class, we walked to the bus station up off off Sandy and 16th (about 4 blocks from the school) and took the bus across the river to visit the Oregon Nikkei Legacy Center and the Japanese Historical Plaza (or Bill of Rights Memorial). It was a very informative and emotional field trip for me. To learn what I learned, what I had only previously heard bits and pieces of prior to this and do not remember being taught about any of this shit in school. We humans are fucked up. From what I gathered (forgive me if I'm wrong), Nikkei is the name of Japanese descendants who migrated to america or were born here and descended from Japanese ancestors. At the beginning of World War II, right after the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese (or maybe a possible false flag attack?), the United States Government went bananas as we went to war with Japan and within a week of that had rounded up basically all the Japanese or Nikkei living on the West Coast of the United States and sent them away to internment camps. It's a fucked up little piece of our history to be sure. Super fucked up that I didn't know much at all about it and that it happened right down the road from me and actually could have actually happened to human beings who lived right where I do now, back in the 1940's.
They were all rounded up and brought to what is now the Portland Expo Center and for 3 months they were crammed into the horse/cow stables and had to live in a literally shitty environment for those three months and all of the people there got food poisoning THREE FUCKING TIMES in those three months and then at the end of the three months, everyone was put on trains and shipped off to the internment camps and had to live there for a couple years. I learned a whole great deal more than this but I won't get into it here and now with you, please do go and learn more about it though if for nothing else so that we don't repeat this horrendous things again. It's all so awful and fucking appalling, I can hardly even believe we humans are capable of such terrible shit. Is there hope for humanity? Is there? We are born flawed and with that, we're plain and simply fucked up and because of this, not one of us gets a free pass of righteousness because theres not a damn one of us who doesn't have some fucked up aspect as an individual that is not righteous. That's the truth.
Each and every one of us is carrying some fucked up personality trait or behavior that makes us flawed and, if looked at from just the angle of whatever it is that is "wrong" with us, we are all damn sinners and have condemnable behaviors or traits. We all got vises, we all are screwed up in one way or another. We all make mistakes for christ's sake! So what of it? What is there to do? What in the flying fuck am I to do? The answer is, straight up, that I have no idea. Just before my darling wife headed out a bit ago we talked about the re-telling of the story, or stories if you will. This is something I do subscribe to and indeed do believe is a part of my "calling" or "job" while I live and breathe and walk this earth. To tell different stories, better stories if you will. You see, the perpetuation of the stories of racism, discrimination, hatred, violence, and all of that are keeping the flames of these stories fires burning (and burning strong for that matter).
Does any of this make sense? I'll try and explain myself. You see, we (the collective whole of humanity, but more specifically here in the US of A) do story telling in big ways nowadays, through movies and television primarily, we tell and re-tell stories of atrocities, of violent acts we've done and are doing, of the wrongs committed by humanity, they are glorified tales in so many ways, often (always?) there is a hero and a villain in these stories though even those roles can be flipped depending on both who's perspective the story is being told from, and who's taking in each particular story. Not only that, but the violence that is being made to look so glamorous and heroic (and cool, maybe?) that can be seen from advertisements for video games such as Call of Duty and the like, it's amazing, appalling really, and this is precisely what I mean by the stories flames are burning brightly, blazing really, the fire's consumed common sense and deep in the embers the idea of peace is so hidden by the blue, orange, yellow, and red colors of the flames that all kids (and grown ass adults) see is the beauty of the fire and it's violent rage. That's some dangerous shit and it makes perfect fucking sense why many of these stories are poised to be perpetuated till the end of time the way things are going.
So, what does it mean for me to declare that a part of my purpose is to tell a different story? That's a kind of tough one, you see, like the saying goes "the victors re-write history in their favor" (or something to that effect), what I see for me particularly is that, I must actually live my new stories as examples. Sure, I'll write as many new stories as I can, I'll make poetry and music that suggests humans are actually compassionate, kind, peaceful, and generous inherently and all that shit but truthfully, I may not actually see the actual fruits of my labors played out fully in my lifetime. Or they may never play out ever for that matter, too. All I can do is continue to try and be the best damn example of goodness as I can be. And when I mentioned the victors re-writing history to their favor, what I meant by that in regards to my own journey is, that ideally, the kind compassionate and loving stories I both live out and tell will ripple out into the human story and as others both lead and follow in suit in this pursuit of a new way of living, eventually we may become victorious in actually, fundamentally, changing the narrative of what it is to be a human being. Man, this may all sound like a load of fucking crap I realize. Maybe even self-righteous bullshit, too. Right?
The thing is, I realize it kinda is a load of fucking crap and self-righteous bullshit, too. I don't pretend to think I know what is best or that I am better than anybody else. Truthfully though, one thing I can stand up confidently and admit is, I do not hate. I simply do not have the capacity to make sense of hatred and to this, I do not understand how to hate or why to for that matter, either. Do I judge? Do I discriminate? Have I been indoctrinated to fear some things (or people) irrationally? Yes. These things are true. I recognize this and I am pissed as fuck that past storytellers have fucked with me in these ways. J. Krishnamurti says something to the effect of "one of the most violent acts we can do is to compare ourselves with anyone else." I agree with this and recognize the danger in doing so, comparing ourselves to anyone else is such a futile exercise in personal abuse and internal and external violence because it doesn't help or benefit anybody. Why do I bring that up now? Because we all fucking struggle. We all have the ability to look at any one thing someone else has or can do and think to ourselves, gee, I wish I was that person or I had that persons things, or some shit like that. But you know what? That person (or that persons things) are not that whole person and whatever those things may be really have nothing to do with who any one person is in the first fucking place. No matter how much or how little money and luxury one may or may not have, we all suffer and because we do so as individuals who can never really know what anybody else is going through, I will even say we all suffer equally, too.
That's a big statement to declare, huh? I believe it though. It's rare that one or more days can be strung together in my personal journey so far that I can say I was completely free of struggle and strife. Sure, I've done some burying of thoughts, troubles, debts, disputes, and "forgotten" all my worries for stretches of time but come on now, if I'm honest with myself and you are honest with you, you know damn well that we never escape from the struggle completely. We never experience harmony and bliss completely in any sort of sustained way. I've visited harmony and bliss, I've glimpsed it and tasted its sweet taste ever so briefly but I'd be a damn liar and big fucking fool to say I ever actually was completely blissed out and in harmony with myself and my surroundings. I am certain the same can be said for you, too.
Where did this outpouring of thoughts come from again? Oh yeah, I think it all started with the field trip today and then it was multiplied (amplified?) by reading about the Burns, Oregon militia fucking ordeal and how one of the guys was killed last night and most of the other leaders were arrested by the FBI. I think that whole situation and how it has so far been handled is pretty fucking outrageous. I wish I could go on about it but honestly, I've worked myself into a space where I need to take some deep breaths and relax my nerves a bit so I don't get completely stressed out about all this shit too much more.
Amazingly, after barfing out all this ranting of thoughts, I still find myself optimistic and loving my life and this reality. I do. It's all fucked and I'm a fucked player in the game of it but that is what it is and I am what I am. I'll continue to dream a better dream, tell a better story, and believe that peace, love, and harmony are something we all can actually obtain. Why? Because I'm a damn fool, that's why.
Do me a favor, will you? If you've made it this far first of all, congratulations. This all came out of nowhere and was completely unplanned so I thank you for joining me down this rabbit hole of nonsense, sincerely. Secondly, just go and do something nice for someone after you read this, whatever you'd like to do, go and make somebody feel important, seen, loved, and acknowledged.
Why?
Why fucking not?
